


Counting the days (until I see you again)

by justfandomthings



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23557957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justfandomthings/pseuds/justfandomthings
Summary: An explanation of what happens from the day Danny is shot to the day Steve leaves. Missing scenes for 10x22.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 18
Kudos: 235





	Counting the days (until I see you again)

**Day 0: 8:09 PM (April 3, 2020)**

“Visiting hours have ended, Commander,” the nurse says gently. “You can come back tomorrow at ten.”

Steve raises his face from his hands and glances at her. “I’m going to stay,” Steve answers. He doesn’t offer anything more. He’s not looking for an argument but he’s also not going to take no for an answer. The doctor said that while Danny has remained stable following his surgery, he’s not out of the woods until twenty-four hours have passed, which they haven’t yet so- no. At Danny’s side is where he belongs. 

No one will convince him otherwise. 

“Your friend is doing okay,” the nurse reassures. “I think he’d want you to go home and get some sleep in your own bed.”

“With all due respect, don’t claim to know what my partner would or would not want,” Steve says irritably. He suddenly hates her, resents her for talking about Danny like he’s not _right there_ , albeit asleep. Maybe it’s unconscious. Danny’s expression is tense and pale so Steve worries it’s the latter. 

“Okay,” the nurse says quietly. “I apologize. I know this has been difficult for you and your partner so I will allow you to stay the night. I’ll bring you an additional blanket during my next round.”

“Thanks,” Steve says in an exhale, now feeling like an ass for snapping at her. But he watches her walk away instead of offering an apology. Somehow, apologizing to anyone before he gets the chance to do so to Danny would be wrong. 

It’s maybe thirty minutes later that a faint moan stirs him from his thoughts. “Hey,” Steve says, standing and leaning over the bed so Danny doesn’t have to turn his head to look at him. “Hey, buddy, you with me?”

“S’eve?” Danny mumbles. He sounds- and it sends a bolt of fear through Steve to admit to himself- worse than he had prior to Steve leaving to go arrest Daiyu Mei. More weak. And if the tight grimace on his face is anything to go on, he’s in a considerable more amount of pain now than he was coming out of surgery. “You ‘kay?”

“‘M fine,” Steve says automatically. “It’s you I’m worried about, you okay?”

“J’st tired, ‘s all,” Danny responds, but his words come out more as one slurred sound than anything else. He meets Steve’s eyes briefly, only to close his eyes a moment later. “You get her?”

“We got her,” Steve confirms. “You’re safe now, buddy.”

“Know that,” Danny mumbles. “You got my back.”

It doesn’t really feel like he’s had Danny’s back today but Steve keeps that to himself. “You need anything?” he asks. “Water, another blanket? Wanna sit up, lay down more? What about the pain, are you-”

“I’m cold,” Danny admits, his eyes flickering open again. “Pain’s not that bad.”

“But you’re in pain?”

“It’s fine.” Danny reaches out with an unsteady hand and nudges Steve’s arm. “Too tall. Sit.”

Steve ignores the order as he shrugs out of the jacket Junior had given him when he’d brought him a change of clothes earlier. The nurse hasn’t come back yet so until then, his jacket’s gonna have to do the job of keeping Danny warm. He tucks the edges under Danny’s torso and only after he’s decided Danny’s been sufficiently covered, does he sit down on the bed at Danny’s hip. 

Danny’s still-too-shallow breathing keeps him company as Steve gets lost within his thoughts yet again. 

“Not your fault,” Danny offers a little while later. Steve thought maybe he’d dozed off so he’s slightly startled at Danny’s words. “You’ve got the face again.”

“She took you to get to me,” Steve answers. “She took you with the full knowledge that threatening you would make me do whatever she wanted. That’s the definition of _my fault_ , Danny _._ ” 

“She took me because she was greedy and wanted the money.” Danny looks a little more alert than he did only a few minutes prior, although considering the grimace on his face, Steve wonders if it isn’t because the pain is waking him up. “That’s on her, not you.”

“She took you because she wanted me to face the same choice her husband put me through with my dad. She wanted me to lose you.”

“I’m right here.” Danny makes a face and brings his arm around his chest, breathing heavily for a moment. 

“You okay?” Steve asks, frowning at Danny’s pinched expression. “Yo, what’s wrong?”

“Pain’s getting worse,” Danny moans. 

“I can get the nurse-”

“No, don’t,” Danny pleads, pulling his arm away from his chest so he can latch onto Steve’s arm. “Hate being loopy,” he explains. “Give me a minute, let me wait it out.”

“Fine, but if it gets any worse-”

“I know better than to argue with you,” Danny concedes. 

“I can be a stubborn SOB like you.” 

The words come out of Steve’s mouth without him intending them to and judging by Danny’s raised eyebrow and slightly amused expression, maybe it’s a good thing they did. “Excuse me?” Danny says. “Who’re you calling stubborn? You’re stubborn.”

The slight edge to Danny’s words is the most familiarity Steve’s had all day and it actually makes him smile a little. “Danno, I hate to break this to you but you’re always a stubborn SOB. It’s in your DNA to be stubborn but when you actually feel the need to stand your ground on something, that S-O-B side comes outta you real quick.”

Danny narrows his eyes a little. He’s getting a little red-faced and Steve suddenly isn’t sure if it’s because of their banter or the struggle to breathe past the pain. “Well if you’re so intimidated when I’m stressed, then shut up and stop blaming yourself for this because it’s not your fault, and I’m gonna be fine.” 

Steve hears the choice of words and feels himself freeze, his heart dropping in his chest the same way it did when Danny called him saying he was being tailed. “Going to be?” he demands. 

“I think something’s wrong,” Danny says quietly. He says it with the sort of calm that comes after having already resigned oneself to death- in this case, Steve knows he came to terms with this possibility while in Daiyu Mei’s custody. “Having trouble breathing.”

Steve stares wide-eyed at his partner and then runs from the room, yelling for help just as Danny’s monitors begin to wail from behind him. 

**Day 1: 7:41 PM (April 4, 2020)**

“You’re still here?” Danny mumbles. 

Steve lifts his face from his hand and stares wide-eyed at his ragged-looking partner. “Danny, hey,” he murmurs, feeling pressure build behind his eyes as he takes in the sight of his partner alive and _awake._ “How’re you feeling?”

“Better than the last time you asked.” Danny stifles a yawn and pulls his hand from Steve’s to rub at his eyes. “Time is it?”

Steve glances at his watch. “Almost three-quarters past seven,” he says. “You were out three hours this time.” 

“New record.” Danny grimaces a little as he struggles to sit up and Steve’s quick to reach over and aid in his partner’s quest. “What’d the doc say?”

“Lungs and heart all sound good.” Steve offers Danny a weak smile. “Think you’re done with emergency surgeries for the time being.”

“Hopefully for life,” Danny mutters. He winces slightly as he settles back against the mattress but his grip, unlike the other times he’s held Steve’s hand in the last forty-eight hours, is finally strong. “How’re you doing?”

“That’s supposed to be my question,” Steve deflects weakly. 

“Yeah, but you already asked so now it’s my turn.” Danny’s eyes bore into him and Steve sighs, defenseless as always when it comes to saying no to his partner in situations that aren’t out in the field. 

“I’m tired of this,” he admits. “Of losing someone I love- or nearly losing someone. Feel like everyone I care about is dragged to hell because of me.”

It’s the most open he’s been with Danny since their conversation prior to and following the attempted robbery at their home. 

“That’s stupid,” Danny says. When Steve doesn’t say anything or meet his eyes, Danny squeezes his hand, adding, “Come on, Steve, look at me. Have I ever once in the ten years you’ve known me, ever sugar coated something to protect your feelings? Or have I always been brutally honest, even when you didn’t want my opinion?”

“The latter,” Steve has to admit. Especially when he didn’t want Danny’s opinion, his partner had never failed to give it anyway. More times than not, Steve’s ended up grateful that Danny bothered to push his buttons and share his opinion anyway. Considering how he’s currently feeling, maybe this will be the case now too.

“Good. Then listen to me when I say that this was and is in no way your fault. Your time as a SEAL made you a hero, doing the things that needed to be done and making the sacrifices necessary to ensure the protection and safety of a lot more people than I even know about. And no, I know that doesn’t make up for the lives you lost because it sucks. What I’m saying is, what happened to your dad was directly the result of the choices Wo Fat and Hesse made, not you. Freddie, Joe, your mom, all of those are losses and I swear to god I’ll say it as many times as you need me to: none of their deaths was your fault, just like what happened to me with Wo Fat’s batshit crazy widow is not your fault either.”

Steve stares at Danny for a moment, feeling more than a little lost at the power and sincerity in Danny’s words, not to mention the feeling of loneliness and grief that Danny’s proclamation stirred up in him. Part of him is tempted to shrug it all away and make like it’s all okay but after having bared his soul to Danny several times in the last week, having nearly lost his partner twice in forty-eights hours… well, he’s feeling more than a little vulnerable and if Danny’s still willing to see that side of him after everything, the least he can do is provide Danny with an honest answer. 

And that, in this situation, means saying, “Thank you, Danny.”

Danny offers him a small smile and a squeeze of his hand before saying, “You should go.”

Steve freezes, nearly pulls his hand from Danny’s. It’s a near thing but he somehow keeps his composure as he asks, “You trying to get rid of me?” Somehow, his voice remains steady.

He feels ill. 

“Course not, don’t be an idiot,” Danny huffs. “All I’m saying is, I’m okay. My lung’s been repaired, my heart is beating good still, I’m not even on oxygen anymore. The worst I got going on is some pain and two new scars but I can handle some pain. So I’m good and I’m gonna remain good. You, on the other hand, look like you’re the one who had the shit beaten outta him, got shot in the chest, and just had two major surgeries in the last forty-eight hours. You need to go home, get some real rest in your bed.” 

“I’m fine.”

“Stop bullshitting me. It’s _me,_ I know how to read you. And I know you’re anything but fine.”

“Whaddya want me to say?” Steve asks, suddenly exhausted. Didn’t he just say enough by admitting to struggling to wrestle the ghosts and guilt of everyone he’s failed?

“I want you to go _home_ , I want you to have an actual meal that’s not hospital food or Kamekona’s shrimp, and then I want you to take a long, hot shower and then go to sleep in an actual bed so you can come back refreshed in the morning. _That’s_ what I want. What I’m trying to figure out is, why you don’t want to do any of that. I thought I told you to stop feeling guilty for this.” 

“You know it doesn’t work like that, you can’t just flip a switch and fix me,” Steve retorts, suddenly annoyed and feeling defensive. “Just let it go, Danny.”

“Yeah I know that and I’m not trying to because that’s not my job. I’m simply trying to reassure my best friend that he’s not to blame for anything that’s happened, while also trying to convince said best friend to go home and take care of himself.” Danny sounds angry too and that’s the last thing Steve wants right now. 

“Fine, I’ll go,” Steve says, ready to leave and get on a plane _right now_ if it means never seeing the look of hurt that flashed on Danny’s face _because of him_ when he’d snapped. 

Danny tightens his grip on Steve’s hand, tugging slightly until Steve follows his motions and leans closer. “Ideally, we’d both be going home right now,” Danny says, his voice muffled by the fabric of Steve’s shirt as Danny manages to get Steve low enough to wrap his arms around him in a tight hug. The motion must hurt him but Danny doesn’t let on, just continues, “And trust me, I’m selfish enough to wish you didn’t have to leave me but you look as bad as I felt last night which means you really need to go home and take care of yourself. Okay? Promise me that.”

Steve exhales silently and grips the back of Danny’s head in his hand, maneuvering one hand between their bodies so he can place it on Danny’s chest directly above his heart. “Thank you for not dying on me,” he whispers. 

Danny’s eyes are serious as they pull away from the hug. “Told ya, I’m not that easy to get rid of.”

**Day 2: 10:11 AM (April 5, 2020)**

Steve’s almost to the room when a nurse steps into his path and touches his arm, halting his progression. “Commander,” she says quietly, and just like that, Steve knows he’s not going to like what she has to say. He knew he should never have let Danny to send him home last night. He could have had a quick sponge bath in the bathroom, eaten something from the cafeteria, and camped out in the chair next to Danny’s bed, same as he did the first night. Instead, he’d gone home and then spent the night which-

“Commander,” the nurse says gently, derailing the spiral Steve’s thoughts are going down. “Your partner is okay. I did want to warn you, however, that he was very anxious last night and barely slept as a result, so he’s looking a little worn today. But he _is_ okay."

Steve exhales, feeling much closer to breaking down that he’d like to admit. “How much sleep did he get?" 

"His night nurse, Anne, said it was only a couple of hours broken up. Far as I've seen during my shift, he's been up," she says. "Hoping that'll change." 

_Aww, buddy_. Steve feels a pang of regret all the way down to his toes. He really should have spent the night. "I can still see him though?” he confirms.

She smiles, giving him a nod. “I think it’d do him good to see you,” she says. “Go on in.”

Steve thanks her and enters the room quietly. Danny's got his eyes closed as he approaches but the second Steve comes to stand at the bedside, Danny creeps them open. 

"Hey," Steve murmurs. "I heard you didn't sleep that well last night." 

Danny shrugs a little. "People coming in and out, you know? Impossible to sleep during that. What about you, how'd you sleep?"

Steve wisely keeps to himself that Danny hadn't struggled to sleep the first night. "Slept well," he admits. "I do feel better." 

"Good." Danny gives him a tired but no less genuine smile. "How're you doing otherwise?" 

Of course he'd ask. Steve shrugs, taking his seat and moving it closer to the bed. "Restless," he says. "Saw my parents everywhere I went yesterday at home. Feels like…" he trails off, shaking his head. He's done enough talking as it is. More so than he's ever really done about the sources for his PTS, ever. Danny's laid up in the hospital as it is, he doesn't need Steve laying his problems on him too.

"Like?" Danny prompts, giving him an unimpressed look as if to say, _let's go, you don't get to stop there._

Steve shrugs, sighing. "Feels like everything that's ever happened to me is finally hitting me at once." 

"Well, you did say you've been running ever since you came back to Hawaii and 'hit the ground running hard,' to quote you, I believe," Danny says. "Is it so hard to believe everything you've never really let yourself process is finally coming to the surface? If you ask me, it was a long time coming." 

"Thanks," Steve says flatly. Inhales deeply and exhales slowly. "But no, it's not really a surprise. Dealt with the signs of PTS for a while but I always had another mission to complete so I always told myself it wasn't important and I'd deal with it when the mission was over." 

"So what changed?" 

"My mom's death changed a lot." Steve shakes his head. "It wasn't the loss of her presence but of who she was to me: my mom. That and losing Joe…" 

"Hit you hard," Danny guesses. "That's why you want to get away, isn't it?" 

"Whaddya mean?" 

Danny shrugs. "The way I see it, you've been suppressing every bad thing that's happened to you for the past ten years- since when your dad died. Now ten years later, your mom dies and sends you into the same turmoil your dad's death did, but this time you have ten years worth of uncared-for scars that need attending to. Makes sense you'd need time to step back and process, really _grieve_ what you've lost all these years. Maybe go to therapy for the PTS." 

"Would you go to therapy for your anxiety?" Steve shoots back immediately, instantly on the defense. 

Danny stares at him. "Yes. And when I'm outta here, I will." 

Steve blinks. "What?" 

"I've just been handed my mortality on a silver platter, Steven," Danny says, sounding a little annoyed he's been asked. "I was kidnapped, beaten, shot in the chest, and I nearly died. Now every time I drive my car and see someone turn behind me for more than two blocks, I'm gonna fear getting flanked and shot at until my car breaks. I'm going to hear her voice in my head threatening you and my kids every time I close my eyes; I already do. You really think I don't need counseling after this? My anxiety was already a bitch." 

Steve swallows hard. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be," Danny says, waving his apology away. "My point is, it's okay to not be okay and it's _okay_ to need to ask for help. I'm not ashamed of admitting to needing to go to therapy because I know that none of what happened to me makes me weak for needing help. Same goes for you, babe." 

Steve feels a little lost. These sorts of deep, honest conversations are typically a once-in-awhile sort of thing for them, right after a truly bad moment. Not every few hours like they seem to be right now with Danny. 

As if sending his confusion, Danny rolls his eyes and snatches his hand in his own. It's becoming a normal occurrence between them now, the hand holding. Steve, admittedly, doesn't mind at all. After nearly losing Danny, their constant touch is the most grounding reminder that Danny's still with him and Steve's not ashamed to admit it was what he missed the most when he'd gone home. "Again, just had the harsh reminder of my very fragile mortality. Not gonna waste the rest of my life beating around the bush when I could just be honest about how I feel. Life's too short." 

"Life on life's terms," Steve says quietly. 

"Exactly!" Danny closes his eyes. "Keeping in mind what I just said, you okay with keeping watch for a while? I really did not sleep much last night." 

The fact that Danny so openly trusts him to protect him while he sleeps is a fact that Steve will never stop being amazed by. "Of course," he says, settling more comfortably into his chair and preparing himself for the long haul. 

**Day 3: 8:07 PM (April 6, 2020)**

"Remind me again where you're sleeping?" Tani asks as she stands in the doorway of the front door, her voice loud enough to make the others pause by their cars and listen in. 

Danny rolls his eyes from where he stands half-haphazardly at Steve's side. "None of your business," he says. "Don't ruin my welcome home party by making Steve and I the gossip of the office." 

"Boss, you already are," Tani says, smirking as she twirls on her heels and bounds down the driveway. 

" _Where's_ Danny sleeping?" Danny hears Quinn ask before Steve shuts the front door, blocking out the rest of the ensuing conversation. 

"Did you really have to go and tell her?" Danny gripes. "Couldn't have just lied and said you were sleeping on the sofa?" 

"My bed, my rules," Steve says, frowning a little as he takes in Danny's paler-than-usual features. "You okay?" 

"Yep, just been standing a little too long," Danny says, grimacing when he feels his legs falter slightly under him. "Think it's time to make my way upstairs and to bed." 

Steve swoops in with the thought of having done this too many times in ten years as he wraps an arm around Danny's waist and begins helping him up the stairs slowly. Danny hasn't necessarily been hurt _often_ on the job but when he has been hurt, it's always been _bad._ Like this. "How's the pain?" he asks. 

"Been better, been worse. And no, I do not want anything for it. Except maybe an ice pack," Danny says, holding tight to Steve's arm when he struggles to keep going at the middle of the stairs. "This is a bad idea, I should be sleeping on the sofa." 

"The sofa's the worst possible place for you right now," Steve answers, pausing to murmur a quiet reassurance as he gets them to the top of the stairs. He waits for Danny to regain his breath and then adds, "You're in enough pain as it is without a too-small and not-comfortable-enough sofa giving you back pain and adding to your woes." 

"So in the meantime I'm supposed to just cuddle up with you every night?" 

"We did it in D.C.," Steve points out. "Think we'll be okay now too." 

"Only if you don't hog the covers," Danny says. "Because if you do I'll have no choice but to punch you and I think we both know how bad that'd go for me if I were to do so." 

Steve rolls his eyes. "You're so dramatic." He pushes Danny into the bathroom and instructs him to use the toilet and brush his teeth before joining him in the bedroom. Truth be told, he's exhausted too and if Danny's going to bed, he might as well join him. 

It's part of the reason they're sharing a bed anyway, so Steve can keep an eye on Danny and make sure he's okay and doesn't need anything during the night. 

Twenty tedious minutes later, he's got Danny undressed and lying in bed, snuggled warm under a thin blanket near the center of the bed. If he's trying to avoid being cuddled, he's not off to a good start. In fact, the only thing his position _does_ have going for him is the fact that their close proximity means Steve's less likely to hog the covers.

Steve says as much just to spark the familiarity of their banter. Danny just rolls his eyes and tells Steve to keep his hands to himself. But he doesn't move closer to one side of the bed than the other which is- something. 

When he slides into bed himself thirty minutes later, Danny's already dozing. Steve takes a moment to appreciate the fact that Danny's asleep and seems to be in minimal pain before he climbs in next to him and pulls the covers to the center of his chest. 

Laying on his back like he is, his arm is brushed up against Danny's. Considering the dip in the bed didn't wake him, Steve's more than a little surprised when Danny shifts a little, mumbling, "S'eve? That you?" 

"Yeah. House is locked down, Junior's staying with Tani tonight, Eddie's asleep on the sofa." 

"Good." The bedroom is silent but just as Steve's settled down enough to close his eyes, Danny's hand brushes against his. "This okay?" Danny asks softly. He sounds unsure, hesitant. 

Steve doesn't open his eyes. "As fine as it's been the past four days, Danno. Why're you asking now?" 

"We're not in the hospital," Danny says, as if that has all the answers to Steve's question. 

Steve frowns and reluctantly opens his eyes. He turns his body so he's facing Danny and sits up enough so he can look down at his partner. "Doesn't matter where we are," he says. 

Danny's eyes are dark and unsure still as they stare at each other. "You sure?" 

Instead of responding- because Danny's question is kinda ridiculous and Steve doesn't want to respond to a question that Danny should know the answer to- Steve just lays back down and takes hold of Danny's hand. 

"Go to sleep," he says instead. 

**Day 4: 3:15 PM (April 7, 2020)**

"Can I ask you a question?" 

Steve glances over at Danny as he helps guide Eddie from Danny's good side to his bad so Steve can sit down. "Okay," he agrees, laying the blanket he'd brought onto both of their laps before lifting his arm and helping Danny ease into his side. 

"Why're you here? You really using all of your sick days to nurse me back to health?" 

Steve casts his eyes over the bruises on Danny's face before letting his gaze wander lower to the bruises and scars that litter Danny's chest and torso. "Are you asking me why I'm here or if I decided to use my sick days?" 

"I know you're here to take care of me. I guess I don't know why though." 

Steve frowns. "What?" 

"You're here because I nearly died and you think I need a nursemaid. I'm not an invalid but I also can barely stand still so I appreciate you sticking around. But the last time this happened, you were at least working from home, taking calls from Lou or Tani. This time around, you haven't mentioned work once and you've been spending every waking moment of the day with me." 

"This isn't like last time," Steve says carefully. "But you're right, I haven't been working from home. I'm not using my sick days; I'm actually on leave." 

Danny turns his head, looking at Steve. He looks serious and for a reason Steve can't quite discern, worried. "Leave...for how long?" 

"A while. I don't know how long." 

"This is the beginning of you getting away, isn't it." Danny phrases it as a statement and not a question and once again, Steve is left in awe of just how well his partner knows him.

"It is," he agrees quietly. "Been going through the motions for a while now and after Daiyu Mei… I need to get away." 

Danny stiffens in his arms but doesn't pull away. "For how long?" 

"I don't know," Steve says honestly. "Till I find what I'm looking for or make a decision about 5-0." 

"And if you decide to be done with 5-0, then what? You stay, retire and do what?" 

"I don't know, Danny." Steve sighs. "That's what I'm hoping to figure out." 

"Then why do you have to leave? Go on some crazy adventure by yourself? Your ohana is here, we are all right here for you and you know we'd all be here in an instant for you so why do you have to leave _alone_ to find what you're looking for?" 

"I don't know how to describe it. All I know is, I came back here because of my dad. And then everything that followed… I don't know why I stayed after that. To honor him?" 

"Because you found a family?" Danny interrupts. He sounds pissed. "Huh, don't you think maybe you stayed because Kono, Chin, the team… don't you think we gave you a reason to stay?" 

"Maybe," Steve concedes. "But until I step back and look at it from a different perspective, I can't be sure. I need to go, Danny. Need to figure out what else might be out there for me. Figure out who I am now after everything that's happened." 

"Figure out who- I know who you are! You're Steve McGarrett, a fucking former Navy SEAL and a typical Robocop badass that self-sacrifices instead of looking for another way and is all tough on the outside but is actually a huge goofball and softie- especially when it comes to my kids!" Danny's practically vibrating in his arms and when Steve leans back so he can better look at Danny, Danny takes that opportunity to get out of his embrace. 

"Danny-"

"No, I need to say this. I think you're hurting and you're scared, and I think you're trying to pull away from everyone you care about because you're afraid of losing them too. And I get that, trust me I do but I think that leaving isn't going to help you because all it is, all it is is running away. If there's one thing you've taught me these ten years is that ohana is everything and leaving is just going to make that hole in your heart a little bigger- something that therapy and being with the people you love and who love you with _everything they have_ wouldn't do!" 

At some point they've stood up and Steve's not entirely sure when that happened or when they both shifted from talking to fighting. "Don't tell me how I feel," Steve says lowly, feeling that all-too familiar swell of anger in his chest. 

"Why not? It's not like you're telling me how you feel!" Danny shouts. "And you also haven't denied it which only goes to tell me that deep down, you know I'm right but you just don't want to admit it!" 

"Why are you fighting me on this?" Steve retorts. "It's my life and it's my decision. What does it matter to you if I decide to-" 

"Shut the fuck up," Danny interrupts and his expression is broken, something so horrible and wrong flashing across his face that it makes Steve feel ill. It takes him a second to realize that it's him who's put that expression on Danny's face and that's why it hurts to see. "I'm going upstairs to calm down. You stay here and go for a swim or something." 

"Danny…" 

For all the pain he had to be in, especially so for yelling and talking with his hands, Danny makes it up the stairs to the bedroom in record time. Steve watches him go and sinks back down onto the sofa, feeling worse than he has in days. 

_Fuck._

He does end up going on the swim Danny told him to take and when he's done and has showered in the downstairs bathroom, Steve wraps a towel around his torso and makes his way upstairs. He enters the bedroom quietly, grabs a change of clothes, and quickly changes into them in the bathroom before re-entering his room. Danny's drawn the blinds closed and is curled up on his side in the bed in a position Steve knows has to be giving him hell.

"Danny," Steve says quietly from the doorway. Danny's facing the wall but Steve can still make out his devastated expression from the doorway. "Can we talk?" 

Danny gave a wordless sound of approval. He doesn't move as Steve approaches but now that he's sitting on the bed at Danny's hip, Steve can see just how tense his partner is. "I shouldn't have accused you of not caring about me," Steve says softly. "I know you do; even when we're fighting or I've put you in danger during a case, I've never doubted that." 

"Then why'd you ask what it matters to me when you make a life-altering decision?" Danny's voice is way too calm for Steve's liking. As if his partners come up with a conclusion of his own and he's just waiting for Steve to confirm it. "You're talking about _leaving,_ Steve. Don't you think that affects me, to know my best friend is leaving? Don't you think I _care?"_

"I know you do," Steve swears. "I promise, I've never doubted you." 

"Then why'd you say it?" 

Steve reaches out and hesitantly lays his hand on Danny's arm. "I _am_ scared," he admits. "Everything feels off-kilter right now. I feel lost. And I guess I took that out on you." He sighs and adds, "Especially because a lot of what you said is true." 

"What do you think leaving is going to do?" This time, Danny's voice is filled with honesty. Genuine curiosity. 

"I want to see Mary, visit Sam in LA, go see Joe's ranch. I want to go because I think leaving will allow me to figure out if Hawaii is meant to be my home. If I leave, maybe everything will fall into place and I'll see what I'm meant to do, even if it's been in front of me this entire time." 

The bedroom is silent for a minute following his words. "Okay," Danny says softly. 

"Okay? What does that mean, _okay?_ " 

"It means I may not fully understand your motives but if you think it'll help you, then I'll respect your decision." Danny turns his head and looks at Steve for the first time since he entered the room. Steve doesn't think he's imagining the faded tear-tracks on Danny's face. "I just don't want you to leave, you know?" 

Steve swallows hard and brings his hand from Danny's arm to his shoulder. "I'm going to come back," he says. "And no matter how many miles end up between us while I'm gone, I'm under no illusions that we won't be talking all the time. Hell, you'll probably call me just to annoy me, sometimes." 

"If I don't, who will?" Danny says, giving Steve a watery smile. 

Instead of responding, Steve just leans down and helps Danny fold out of his near-fetal position. Danny winces at the movement but does release his breath in a sigh when he's laying on his back so Steve figures it helped. "You know you're my best friend?" Steve whispers, leaning down as he holds himself above Danny, careful to avoid putting any weight on his partner as he purposefully kisses Danny's forehead. "Always going to be here for you, no matter where I go these next several months." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Danny grumbles, but he is smiling a little as Steve leans back. "Love you too, you schmuck. And for the record, you should really go to Jersey." 

Steve laughs, wondering how many times Danny's going to say that before he leaves. 

**Day 5: 8:23 AM (April 8, 2020)**

It's a testament to how much he's been hovering when he turns around in the kitchen and doesn't see Danny at the table, immediately giving him cause for alarm. "Danny?" he asks, looking each way around the kitchen, only to come up with an empty room. "Danny, where'd you go?" he calls, turning the stove down low as he heads into the living room. 

Empty as well. Knowing there's no way Danny could have snuck past him and gone upstairs without him noticing, that only leaves one option. Steve turns the stove off as he passes through the kitchen to go outside. 

Eddie scurries to his side the second Steve reaches the door and together they make their way down to the beach where Danny's just now lowering himself into his chair. 

"Took you long enough," Danny huffs, not turning his head to look at Steve as Steve joins him. Eddie, for his part, lays down in the sand between their chairs, but his focus is all on Danny. 

"Only took thirty seconds," Steve says defensively, though he knows that's really what Danny is getting at. "What happened to watching me prepare breakfast and critiquing everything? Didn't get enough of the sun when you watched me go on my swim?" 

"I think you should book your flight," Danny says instead of responding. 

Steve frowns. "What?" 

"I think you should book your flight. Tonight." 

"Hey, Danny, look at me," Steve says. When his partner finally does so he asks, "What's this about, where's this coming from? You just got outta the hospital." 

Danny glances away, shrugging. "I know you want to go and I think after everything that just went down, you want to go even more than you wanted to before. You should go, book your flight. There's no need to stick around when you could already be out there healing." 

Steve shifts in his seat uncomfortably. "I can't tell if you're trying to make fun of my plans or-" 

"Not making fun, I'm being serious. Trust me I wouldn't be talking about this topic if I didn't have to. You said just last week how you've constantly been putting the needs of everyone else before your own. 'S why you should go. You say you need to get away and if you stick around now, you're not going to leave until I’m healed, by which _you'll_ be doing way worse and that's not fair to you. You need to take care of yourself." 

"Danny-" 

"I've thought about this all night and all morning," Danny interrupts again. "I'm serious. You should look at the airlines and buy that ticket for whoever you want to go." 

"I can buy a ticket whenever I want to. You just got out of the hospital five days ago; I should stay." 

"No, you think you should stay out of some obligation you think you have to take care of me. If you leave tomorrow I'll be fine. Lonely as hell but I'll have Junior with me and Tani too, and you know just as well as I do that the team'll take care of me." 

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Steve asks quietly. 

"Yes." Just like for the rest of the conversation, Danny refuses to look at him. 

"Okay, why?" 

Danny shrugs. "You need to go. I'm fine. Makes sense to me." 

"It doesn't make sense to me. Yesterday we just had our worst fight that I can think because I want to leave, and now you want me to buy a ticket today and leave tomorrow?" 

"Yes." 

Steve exhales shakily. "Then tell me why." 

"Because if you stay for another two weeks, three, a month…" Danny stops, scrubs at his eyes with his hand. Exhales and says roughly, "because if you stay then I'm not going to be able to let you go. These months of staying with you have given me more peace than anything else has in a long time and after everything that's happened, all the hand holding and the cuddling we've been doing: that's all I've wanted for years, Steve. And if that continues for who-knows-how-long before you decide to leave… at least if you leave in the next couple of days, I can tell myself it was never going to happen and can begin moving on." 

Steve feels like he's been hit. "Move on?" 

"That's typically what one does when the person they love doesn't return that love, yes." 

" _Danny…_ " 

"I'm not looking for a response, though if you'd let me down gently, that'd be appreciated. Start the whole moving on process even sooner which is, you know, good." 

"Good?" Steve's not sure if he's breathing or not but if he is, he's not sure he should be. Danny's wanted to be with him for years? Has _loved_ him for years? 

"Look, Steve-" 

"You're right," Steve says numbly past the roaring in his ears. "I do need to go." Danny turns away from him at those words, the slump to his shoulders telling Steve more than anything else ever could. "I need to go because if I don't, I don't think I'd ever leave," Steve adds in a rush. "God, Danny, I love you too. I have for _years._ " 

Danny's not looking at him still but he has turned back slightly so Steve takes that as a sign to keep going. "But you deserve more than what I can give you right now. I need to get away and take some time to process everything and figure out what I want to do about 5-0. Let me do that, let me do that and if, when I come back, if you'll let me, I'd like to be with you. But I don't think that can happen until I'm doing better because you deserve better." Danny's quiet after he finishes talking, doesn't say anything. Steve looks closer and sees Danny's shoulders are shaking. "Danny?" 

"Okay," Danny says, similarly to the way he'd agreed with Steve last night. "I'll wait for you." 

Steve pushes away from the chair and settles on his knees at Eddie's side, just next to Danny's chair. "You will?" he breathes. 

Danny looks at him and his eyes are wet. "Course I will. Waited all these years, haven't I?" he says. "All I want is for you to be happy, Steve." 

Steve pulls Danny into his arms at that and if they both cry? Their only witness to that is each other and Eddie. 

  
  


**Day 6: 11:27 AM (April 9, 2020)**

"You know I'll call every day," Steve says as he finishes zipping his suitcase. "FaceTime too, if you want." 

"No, because I'd clearly love nothing more than to go the next several months without seeing your handsome mug," Danny deadpans. "Please, Face Time. I'm gonna miss seeing you." 

Steve turns away from his bag and faces his partner, who's seated on the edge of the bed looking away from him. He looks withdrawn already, and Steve hasn't even left. He doesn't even leave for another twenty-four hours. 

"Hey," Steve says quietly, reaching out gently to touch Danny's chin and make his partner look at him. "I'm going to miss you too. Out of everything I'm leaving behind, including Charlie and Eddie, leaving you is going to be the hardest." 

Danny gives him a sad smile. "Make sure to still call Grace, yeah? She says talking to you every week is the highlight of her week- outside of when she calls her mother, Charlie, and I." 

Steve's heart warms at the words. "Course I will," he says. "I'll call Charlie too, you know I will. They're like my own kids, Danno." 

"Yeah, I know. You've been my co-parent for a while," Danny adds quietly. "My kids have loved you from the day they met you." 

Steve's eyes water at Danny's words and he blinks away the moisture as he says roughly, "yeah, that goes both ways." 

"Alright, that's enough," Danny says abruptly as he stands up. "I'm not saying goodbye until you leave to catch the plane tomorrow so stop trying to make me cry, you sentimental asshole." 

Steve laughs a little and pulls Danny into his arms as Danny tries to walk past. "You were my most interesting hello and you're going to be my hardest goodbye," he whispers into Danny's ear. "Even if it's only goodbye for a little while." 

Danny just sniffles and holds onto him tighter. 

**Day 7: 6:28 PM (April 10, 2020)**

_“I love you, man,” Steve says. It's the easiest thing he's ever said at any time, to anyone. But that's what loving Danny is like; it's something Steve is so deeply familiar with, it's a part of him._

_Danny looks away. He's about to cry and Steve knows it. He knows if he stays much longer, he will too. And then he probably won't leave. “Love you too,” Danny mumbles, already moving to sit back down._

_Steve turns, intending to head back inside their home. “Don’t make me come find you,” Danny warns. It’s unclear what he’ll do if Steve does but Steve can take a guess or two. It's nothing Danny hasn't done before._

_Steve doesn’t answer him because he's never made a promise he can't keep and he's not going to start now. He needs to go and he's ready to. But he's not sure how long it'll take and that's the reason he can't make the promise to Danny._

_With one last look at his partner, Steve heads inside and towards the journey he's embarking on so he can find himself and come back to the life with Danny he plans on living._

  
  


**Day 98: 5:17 PM (July 17, 2020)**

Steve throws his carry-on onto the overhead bin and sits down, looking longingly out the window. The mainland has been beautiful and helpful in so many ways, but it's not where Danny is. 

There's an exhale to his left as someone sits down next to him and Steve looks over to see an older woman in about her seventies buckling into her seat. "Ready for a long flight?" she asks with a smile. 

Steve returns it, feeling the low hum of anticipation go through him. "I am," he says. 

"I'm headed to Oahu to visit my daughter and grandchildren," she says with the familiar smile that only a parent can have. "Are you travelling for business or taking a vacation?" 

"I'm actually going home," Steve says. "Got my family waiting for me." 

She beams. "You must be excited." 

More so than he can put into words, if he's honest. "I've been on the mainland working for three months," Steve says because it's easier to explain that way. "I miss my partner and kids more than anything." 

She clasps his hand with hers, saying gently, "Only a few more hours and then we'll land and you'll get to reunite with your loved ones." 

His phone buzzes in his hand and Steve looks down to see a text from Danny. "My partner," he says as explanation for turning his attention to his phone. She murmurs an acknowledgement as Steve opens Danny's text. 

_Miss you already._

Steve grins at his phone. _See, I always knew you liked me more than you were willing to admit_ , Steve texts back, unable to keep from teasing. _Hasn’t been more than an hour since I saw you last, Danno._

_Asshole,_ Danny texts back within a minute. _Skype doesn't count and you know it. Just for that wisecrack, I hope the flight home is filled with screaming babies._

_I'm not an asshole, you're an asshole._

Steve thinks about it and sends one more text, just because he knows Danny’s about to call at him swearing to high hell at the “idiocy” of his last text. _I love you too. I’ll call you once I land, okay?_

_You’d better_ _if you expect me to find you at baggage claim_ is Danny’s response. _Otherwise, you can go ahead and find another ride home._

Steve grins to himself and tucks his phone into his pocket, buckling himself in as he waits for the plane to taxi and turns back to his companion for the duration of the flight. 

He’s headed home. 

END.


End file.
